Macy

I've debated many hours on whether or not I should write this. It's an incredibly painful memory to revisit, but ultimately I decided that not writing about it felt like I was ignoring a pretty huge piece of our life and what's recently been subtracted from it.

Last week, we had to make the awful decision to put our sweet dog, Macy down to rest for the final time. I know you're wondering why...she was only 6.5 years old. This is why....

My husband and I knew before we even got married that we wanted to get a dog in the near future. He had his heart set on a german shepherd. I had never had my own dog before and I grew up with my cousin's german shepherds and felt that they were great dogs. After we got married, we researched breeders for 6 months before finally landing one in Oklahoma. My husband was away at training and wasn't able to be there the day we made Macy a member of our family. The breeders had the parents on site. They were beautiful, healthy, and sweet. Did I mention big? Her dad was 125lbs and her mother 110lbs. We knew we were getting a pretty large dog and that didn't really phase us. 

Fast forward to two years later. We are in Corpus Christi, TX as my husband finishes the tail end of his pilot training. Macy was full grown by then, and this was around the time we started noticing changes in her. At first, they were so slight that we either didn't think anything of it or we even thought it was cute. She was afraid of loud noises. Not just thunderstorms, but of my hairdryer, my mixer, and the vacuum cleaner. She started to respond very negatively to other dogs. "Oh well," we told ourselves, "so she can't go to the dog park, no big deal right?" And really? It wasn't a big deal. Macy was good to us, our families and most importantly she loved kids. That was all that mattered, right?

As years went on, we began noticing other things about Macy. Her anxiety and fears grew. She began limping frequently. Sometimes it was because her allergies were so bad she would chew the pads of her feet until they bled. We had blood on our carpets and even blood on our walls from her trying to scratch her face. Sometimes she was limping because she had been playing fetch the day before and it had caused her to be painfully sore. She was eventually diagnosed with arthritis. She was maybe 4 years old? We also had her Xrayed to find out she also had the dreaded hip dysplasia that sometimes comes with bigger breeds. She was also hungry....constantly. We did our best to keep her diet (a special prescription food because we discovered she couldn't have beef, dairy, or wheat) in check by not feeding her scraps or making trash or food available to her on the floor. This was pretty easy before the kids came along. We even hired a trainer to come to our home and teach us tips to help Macy. 

Fast forward again to when Elise was born. All these previously mentioned ailments continued to get worse little bits at a time. Macy never showed anything but tolerance and even some affection towards Elise. But to be fair, they also ignored each other a good chunk of the time. As Elise grew, so did her curiosity of Macy. I knew that Macy was in pain a lot of the time and I did my best to never leave them unsupervised in case Macy decided she was done. We loved Macy, but we knew she was still an animal and were not naive about the possibility that Elise could be hurt. 

While my husband was deployed for 6 months to Afghanistan, Elise, Macy and I bounced around Oklahoma. We stayed with my in laws for a couple months. They have two yellow labs that are pretty good size. They are sweet, loving, and rambunctious. Macy tolerated them if they left her alone. Sometimes they did, sometimes they didn't. I was in Abilene checking on the house one weekend (with Elise) when I got a call from my mother in law saying that the dogs had gotten into a fight. My mother in law isn't one to be overdramatic and I could tell by the sound of her voice how scary this was. My father in law tried to bust up the fight and in the process, got bit by Macy. We do not think that Macy did this intentionally. But it was a sad and scary couple of days as we realized that Macy's pain and aggression had reached a level that could potentially be dangerous. We talked pretty seriously about re-homing her. Instead, we took her to the vet and discovered she was also going blind on top of everything else. We got eye drops, more pain meds, and most recently even paid for doggy Prozac. Despite our best efforts, Macy's health continued to decline and we continued to pretend she was ok most of the time. We were diligent about keeping Macy separated from Elise because sometimes Elise couldn't be forced to leave Macy alone. While we knew this was in the best interest of our daughter, we felt horrible for Macy. This was not how we intended our family pet to be. We wanted our dog to be with us always, and be our children's best friend. Sometimes, life just doesn't go the way you'd like. No matter how badly you want it. 

Back to the present. A week ago, Elise and Macy were laying on the floor watching TV. I was sitting on the couch nursing Lena. Elise wasn't really paying attention to Macy. She was absent mindedly petting her and not really looking at her. Lena had let go of her latch and when I looked down to fix it, I heard a scary bark. Usually the kind Macy saves for strange dogs or people walking by outside. Next thing I know, Macy has walked away from Elise who has rolled over onto her stomach crying and holding her face. I picked up the baby and rushed over. Her skin wasn't broken, but there was a red mark on her cheek, and my heart was pounding like I've never experienced before. I immediately put Macy into her kennel and held Elise until she calmed down. I was still shaking from adrenaline as I texted my husband to call me. When he did, I broke down crying. Not just because of Elise, but because of the conversation for Macy I knew would come next. 

Our friends in Abilene had a similar situation during the most recent deployment. Their dog bit their child and state law requires you to report it and when they did, their dog was put down. Long story short, thats basically what happened. But after talking to a couple vets, they assured us that Macy was in a kind of pain she didn't deserve to be in. A kind of pain that would continue to get worse over time and not only hurt her, but could potentially cause harm to those around her. We ultimately decided it was the right thing to do, but that sure didn't make it any easier. 

I honestly can't bring myself to mentally go back to when we let her go and write about it. It's too painful and, while I'm glad we could both be there with her until the end, it was pretty traumatic for us to witness and I'm still struggling with those images in my head. 

Even today, I'm still fighting back tears when I wake up in the morning and she's not there waiting for food or attention. I swear I still hear her whining to go out at night. And, while our house is cleaner, our children are safer, and our bank accounts a little bigger.....it still hurts like a sharp knife that cuts deep every day. I know over time it will feel less sharp and more livable, but I don't think we will ever not miss Macy. She was our first baby and taught us a lot about ourselves and our marriage. She was always there for me when Josh was gone and was just as excited as I was when he came home each time. We won't ever forget our first baby, and I can only hope and pray that she's in a place now where she can run and jump and not feel pain as a result. Where she can eat whatever she wants and not itch afterwards. We will never stop missing you, Macy Mae.....