Dreams

So growing up, I only had one constant dream that I wanted in life: to be a mother.  I have always wanted a family and that would be my happily ever after.

I've been blessed to have this dream come true. It's everything I hoped it would be.

In college, I knew that I needed to find something I could also do to earn money. Maybe even find something I really became passionate about.

My sophomore year was when I realized my second dream: to teach.

During my last two years of college, I was obsessed with the idea of having my own classroom. I still have binders and books full of ideas and lesson plans. I had a job in college that was very similar to teaching and I loved it more than I can express.

After I graduated, I was married and me and my husband moved around a lot (as I've blogged about before). I subbed and tutored everywhere we went, desperate for someone to hire me and give me my first taste of my dream job I discovered in college. And, as I've also blogged before, this didn't happen, despite my best efforts.

Knowing that starting my family was something I wasn't willing to wait forever for, I postponed my second dream for my first. My mistake was trying to convince myself that I didn't want that second dream so badly anyway. (Please know that I in NO shape, way, or form regret being a mother or choosing to stay at home. That's not the issue here....)

Recently, my father-in-law (who is a superintendent at a sizable school district in OK), offered me a job teaching. He even went as far to offer me three different choices in grades. Told me I could put my daughter in their child development center on site, and that I could start when my husband leaves and stop when he returns.

You're probably thinking...."Ok, so what's the problem?! Dream job on a silver platter!" Right?

I wish it was that simple. I knew the offer was coming and I already knew I was going to turn it down. When push comes to shove, my daughter is almost 7 months old. Her baby days are numbered. My days of breastfeeding her are numbered. As much as I would love to teach, I know I would regret giving up this precious time in her life. She won't be a baby forever and by the time I would get done with this job, she would be a toddler. Plus, I may not have had my own classroom yet, but I know from friends and helping teachers how time consuming the first year is. I wouldn't want to give anything less than 100% to my first year. Right now I just can't do that.

Turning down this job has reminded me though, how much I wanted to teach in the first place. After all the moving and rejections, I had to convince myself that I didn't want it that badly. It was my defense mechanism. But that wall's been torn down now. As sad as I am that I had to say no to this job offer, I'm grateful to have been reminded that it is something I'm still very passionate about.

If this offer had come a year earlier or a year later, I wouldn't have hesitated to say yes. The timing just wasn't right this time. I just have to have hope that someday it will be right and I will be teaching and making a difference at work during the day, and coming home to my happily ever after in the evenings and on the weekends.

Until then I will do my best to enjoy this temporary and wonderful time in my daughter's life, knowing I won't regret a single moment.