The not sleeping....oh the not sleeping! We fully expected the first few months to be a tireless blur of night time feedings and diaper changes. But at no point in time did we ever imagine sleep still being an issue at (close to) one year. That by far, has been the biggest shock to us. It started during the typical 4 month sleep regression and just never got better. For a couple months I did nothing but try to find ways to fix the problem. Not ever knowing what the problem was. After a few months of that, I decided I was done trying to figure it out and didn't want to hear any more damn opinions on the subject. I grew tired and agitated at the thought of another conversation about baby sleep. So instead I just didn't sleep. I fought hard every night to continue breast feeding and not bringing her into our bed. All the while knowing that many other breast feeding moms co slept and it helped them get rest. It was a can of worms I didn't want to open. (Notice the past tense?!) Yep, that's because, after months of not sleeping and starting to feel resentment and bitter about breast feeding, I decided to try cosleeping. You know what? I got sleep. Damn it.
This is definitely still an ongoing issue that I am working on. Night weaning and back to the crib are goals for the near future. WAY easier said than done. Especially with my husband gone.
Breast feeding. We have a love/hate relationship. Mostly love. The only times I "hated" it was when I wasn't sleeping and breast feeding for what felt like all night long. Or when I got a clogged duct (that I still have). Or when I got bit. Or when I had to use a nipple shield for 5 months. Or when all I wanted was time for myself to do things alone and I couldn't because I was breast feeding and Elise wouldn't take a bottle/I didn't pump enough/my supply was low/i was sick. Lots of reasons over this year.
But really... I love it. I've already told my husband many times that I would have another baby just to breast feed all over again. It was a rough journey but one that I'm ridiculously proud of. My body alone nourished my baby outside the womb for 6 months (started baby food after that). Breast milk is still her main and most important food group. Though she is less and less interested everyday. Which is both relieving and saddening. My original goal was 12 months. There were times when I thought I'd never get there. Now I'm wondering how long she would go if I didn't wean her? It's by far one of the best decisions I've ever made. I hope I can do it again someday.
With everything I've learned about myself this past year, I've also learned that much more about my husband. They say you love your husband in a whole new way once he becomes a father. I couldn't agree more. I've seen endless amount of patience, joy, and love come from this man over the last 12 months. Even now, on FaceTime, watching him talk to her brings me to tears. He lights up in a way I didn't know existed when she's with him. It brings more joy to my heart than I ever thought possible. Our lives probably look pretty simply and ordinary from the outside. Young married couple with a new baby and modest home. But on the inside is our dream come true. We don't have to go anywhere but our living room to have the best day of our lives. When I'm with them in our home, there's literally no where else we would rather be.
Becoming a mother has had it's fair share of growing pains. This job is ten times harder than I ever imagined it would be. (And I did daycare jobs for a good chunk of my adult/teen life) but the rewards are also ten times what I expected. Elise is hitting so many milestones. She spends 90% of her time with me. Just me. I must be doing something right. The girl is smart, fearless, curious, and sweet. I love watching her learn and grow. I can't imagine life getting any better.
So here's to Elise's first year on earth and our first year as her parents. It's been one hell of a ride and we cannot wait to see what she has in store for us next year.
Beautiful!!
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